Friday, August 14, 2009

On the Road to Recovery

In my last post I told the world that we were expecting baby number 2. Sadly, we lost our baby on July 24th.

While it is still very painful for us to talk about, I felt it was important to discuss it here. Emotionally it's been excruciating. And physically, it's been horrendous. I was in the second trimester and this loss was very hard on my body. But writing about it is a release of difficult and painful emotions. And the "anonymous" aspect of a blog is very helpful.

To help me deal with this, I returned to running. My body went through a lot with this pregnancy and it will be hard getting back on the road, but running is something that helps me feel normal.

For my first few runs, running has felt foreign. In my mind, I'm not supposed to be running now. I am supposed to be pregnant and not out on the roads. I have been very emotional and cried during most of my runs. But then I had a run this week where it started to click. That old feeling of comfort was there and I was able to get through it without getting emotional. It felt good.

I think it's important for us to not only talk about these difficult times in our lives, but to try to return to places of comfort. For me, I don't usually talk about difficult situations, especially one so personal. But the loss of our child is something I have to talk about. This grief is something I've never felt and at times it's overwhelming. If I don't release some of the emotion and talk about it, I may explode.

In finding a place of comfort for me to go, I return to running. That familiar place of lacing up my running shoes, heading out and letting my mind take over. Listening to my feet hit the ground, feeling the sweat bead on my forehead, listening to my breath. It all reminds me that I'm alive.

I'm writing this to let you know that in times of sorrow and despair, turn to your running. I think when things are hard and we feel distraught emotionally, we turn away from being active because we aren't physically able to handle it. And I did too. Partly because I had to wait to be active again, but also because it was something I had to accept as part of moving on and healing. Being able to run again meant I had to accept that I did in fact lose my baby. Not running is something I associate with being pregnant: I can't run when I'm pregnant. But starting to run again is starting my healing process. I have to let go of my pain and my sadness and running is helping me do that. I can leave my pain out on the street.

I want to thank everyone who has offered words of comfort and support to me and my family. It means a lot to us to know that we're not alone.

2 comments:

  1. It is hard to know exactly what to say after reading what comes from such a private place in your heart, but those of us who are fortunate to know you have admiration and respect for you as a Mom and coach. You touch people's lives in a positive way every day through coaching and friendship. If or when you decide to try again, we know it will be with courage and love. And, to the extent running might have to be on hold again in the future, I'm sure you'll have an easy time finding clients and friends who want to run with you to bring you back. I've realized that as a runner, you're never alone.

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  2. I am only seeing this comment now! I haven't been blogging much. But thank you for your kind words. It has been a tough road for me. I am still quite emotional when I run but it's getting a little better each time. While I know I'll never get over this, at least running allows me some time to feel like my old self.

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